


In Transit

by tomarkexists



Category: Blink-182
Genre: Blow Jobs, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-27
Updated: 2013-10-27
Packaged: 2017-12-30 14:59:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1020066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomarkexists/pseuds/tomarkexists
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eleven hours in a plane later with too much alcohol in my system to not be a hundred percent sober anymore, I finally reached LAX. As soon as I was done with immigration and collected my suitcase, I trudged my way to the arrival hall to meet up with Tom.</p><p>Thinking about Tom put a smile on my tired face. The last time we saw each other was a month ago during the last week of post production for our latest EP. We had such a great time hanging out, catching up and reminiscing about our past. It is time like that when I am reminded how much I like him, how similar we are to each other and the amount of memories that we share.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Transit

The meaning of the term “transit” can be defined as the following three:

 

  1. the act of passing across or through
  2. conveyance or transportation from one place to another
  3. _a change_



✈ ✈ ✈

“Are you sure you packed everything you need?” blonde hair dancing in front of me, interrogating my every move.

“Yes Skye,” I couldn’t help but sigh exasperatedly at my wife.

“But it’s only one suitcase!” she gestured towards the Louis Vuitton suitcase that she bought for me for Christmas.

I don’t even know how to feel about the suitcase. Who the fuck owns LV suitcases?

Oh yeah, rich people.

“It will be enough for the next three weeks or so. Don’t worry about it.”

“But –” I grabbed her by the shoulders and gently shook her.

“Don’t worry about it,” I gave her a quick peck on her forehead and instantly, her face began to relax. She smiled at me and I couldn’t help but to return it. “You and Jack will be okay by yourselves for the next few weeks?”

“We will keep each other busy. You know how Jack is.”

“Okay. I gotta go now. The cab will be here any minute,” I quickly glanced outside before turning my attention back to my missus.

“Take care of yourself honey. Have an awesome tour,” she gave me a tight hug, tears threatening to roll down her ivory skin. Even though she is used to this by now, it doesn’t make it easier.

In fact, it gets harder every time to leave my family behind.

“I love you,” I kissed her soft pink lips, realising I won’t be touching them for at least a month. She pulled away from our chaste kiss just as we heard a honk coming from outside.

“I love you too.” 

We exchanged sad smiles as I started dragging my suitcase out of the house, into the cold London air.

“Say hi to Tom and Travis for me!” she quickly yelled out before I entered the waiting car. I took one last look at her, still in her silk pyjamas, with a beautiful, yet poignant smile on her face.

Dawn was soon breaking. It was breathtaking to see her standing outside our house, surrounded by swirls of black and purple and pink. She became smaller and smaller as the cab drove to the airport, until she disappeared into thin air.

It felt like she slipped through my fingers, leaving me alone and freezing.

The fucking joys of being a rock star.

✈ ✈ ✈

Eleven hours in a plane later with too much alcohol in my system to not be a hundred percent sober anymore, I finally reached LAX. As soon as I was done with immigration and collected my suitcase, I trudged my way to the arrival hall to meet up with Tom.

Thinking about Tom put a smile on my tired face. The last time we saw each other was a month ago during the last week of post production for our latest EP. We had such a great time hanging out, catching up and reminiscing about our past. It is time like that when I am reminded how much I like him, how similar we are to each other and the amount of memories that we share.

Well, of course. He _is_ my best friend.

Am I too old for this ‘best friend’ bullshit? I mean, I am forty, turning forty one. Tom and I are not what we used to be. We don’t call each other every single day, nor do we hang out as often as we used to. Jesus Christ, we used to live five minutes away from each other! Now, I am living in another continent, far away from the man who defined me.

I guess the hiatus really broke us apart. We are good friends now, but we have our own lives. I guess some things could not be mended. Those years without him completely tore me apart, and I am not the same man as I used to be.

He changed too. He is more withdrawn now. After the initial awkwardness of talking to each other again, Tom built this wall around him. He thinks that I am not aware of it, pretending everything is back to normal. He constantly makes bad jokes and is always friendly towards me. But I know. I could see through his disguise.

He is hiding from me. Protecting himself. Making sure that he is not as vulnerable as he used to be.

Making sure that we won’t break each other’s hearts again.

And I guess that’s why I am so eager to spend the next week with him. We are both staying in my old house, alone, with no distractions. Maybe this is the time for us to finally reconnect. Years have passed since we got back together and I couldn’t wait any longer to officially feel like he is back with me. As my best friend, as the guy who I could trust my life with.

I skimmed through the crowds, trying to find him. I had no luck so I started walking around the place, frantically trying to find my friend. I was about to call him when I felt a tap on my shoulders.

“Looking for someone?” I turned around, suddenly facing a tall man wearing a black leather jacket and jeans that are way too tight for a thirty seven years old, but he pulls it off. He was wearing a big grin on his face, his wavy brown hair in a messy fashion, and his brown eyes twinkling with excitement.

“Tom!” I went in for a hug, thinking for a second that he will not return it. I was soon enveloped with big strong arms, and I immediately felt at home.

“Come on Mark, we got to go before people ask for autographs and shit. I’m famous, y’know,” he gave me his famous half smile and I lightly punched his arm.

Every single thoughts of my family soon departed me as I entered the car of an old friend.

✈ ✈ ✈

“So, how’s life in London Hoppus?” Tom’s question jolted me out of my daydreams.

We were five minutes into the car drive and he is already drilling me questions. Forget that I am jet lagged from the flight, let’s start fucking talking about my life, shall we?

But it _is_ Tom. And I didn’t mind.

“London is good. Cold, wet, tea, the usual,” I answered half-heartedly. He giggled slightly at my response and I could feel a smile tugging on my lips.

“Why did you even move to London in the first place? Don’t you miss this?” he pointed outside to the beautiful, clear blue sky. I sighed deeply, missing the warmth, missing home.

“I do. But I needed a change.”

“Why?” his eyebrows shot up slightly.

“I don’t know,” I tried to shrug it off, hoping he won’t pursue it any further.

The truth is, I couldn’t stand being so close to him again, yet being worlds apart. I thought if I moved far away from him, it would hurt less.

I was so wrong.

It hurts more.

He looked at me weirdly, probably contemplating whether to drop the subject or to continue questioning me until I crack and tell him everything.

“So, what’s been going on in your life?” I asked him quickly, in hopes to divert his attention.

“Errrrrrr … nothing much. Family’s been good. Macbeth’s been good. AVA’s been good,” he put it simply.

“You?”

“Huh?” his eyes did this weird, spastic movement. It was adorable.

“I mean, how about you? Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah … I am okay. Doing good now that you’re with me,” he smiled slightly to himself, in his own private world. “You?”

“Never better.”

The rest of the drive was set in a comfortable silence, as Tom hummed to himself while I looked at the clear California sky.

✈ ✈ ✈

“I’m home!” I yelled out to the empty house as we entered, throwing my suitcase haphazardly to the corner. The familiar house brought so much memories and I am delighted that I will be staying here for a week.

And the fact that Tom is here with me is an added bonus.

“Do you want anything to eat?” Tom asked me as he shut the front door. He placed his black suitcase that he brought for the tour to the same corner carefully before facing me again.

“Nah man. I am way too tired to even move. I think I am going to sleep now. You know, jet lagged and shit. I will take the main bedroom and you can take the spare bedroom down the hallway. If you’re hungry, there’s a convenience store at the end of the street. Or you could always call take-outs. I’m pretty sure I still have the menu of that cool pizza place that – “ 

“Mark, it’s okay. I can take care of myself,” he interrupted my blabbers by placing his hand on my shoulder. The unexpected contact shook my insides, causing me to jump out of my skin. He noticed my reaction to his touch. “You okay?”

“I don’t know … Just tired,” I rubbed my irritated eyes, his hand still on my bloody shoulder. I was starting to get nervous, and I can’t explain why.

“Oh … sorry. You should probably go to sleep now,” his voice was gentle, and I could feel my insides relaxing slowly.

I was about to turn away when Tom pulled me into a hug. He crashed his face into my neck, his warm breath tickling my skin. His grip was tight and firm and I held him just as tight.

“I miss you Mark,” his muffled voice came out pleading.

“I miss you too,” I sighed into his hair, breathing in his scent.

We were only away from each other for a month, and yet, we felt empty without the other beside him.

I guess we still needed each other.

Once we pulled away from the hug, Tom nodded at me, signalling me to go to sleep. I grabbed my suitcase and walked to my old room. I couldn’t be bothered changing so I just took off all my clothes and left my boxers on. I climbed onto the bed and immediately fell asleep.

That night, I dreamt of Tom.

✈ ✈ ✈

We were in the middle of rehearsals when my phone began ringing.

“Fuck, sorry guys,” I slipped my hand into my pocket and took out my iPhone. It was Skye.

“Hello babe,” I dropped my voice slightly as I walked to a corner.

“Hey Mark! How are you? You haven’t called me yet so I was getting worried,” her concern was obvious. I usually call her everyday whenever I was away from her.

But this time is different.

This time, I feel guilty when thinking about Skye.

I feel guilty over that stupid fucking dream I had.

It has haunted my thoughts, always in the back of my head, refusing to escape my mind. And this same bloody dream is preventing me from being normal, from calling my own wife to tell her I’m okay.

“Ah shit Skye … It’s just that I’ve been busy with rehearsals and stuff … I’m doing great. The weather is nice and sunny. Tom and Travis are doing fine. How are you and Jack?” my mouth spilled the words quickly, hoping she won’t see through the lie.

“We are okay. He missed you though.”

“Tell him I miss him too,” all I could taste was guilt. Foul, ugly guilt.

“I will. So anyway …” she then proceeded to fill me in with her life. I was not really paying attention to what she was saying. I was too focused observing Tom.

He was talking to Travis, probably about an idea he thought of. He was smiling and laughing and it was infectious, that soon, Travis was smiling and laughing too.

I love it when he does that, how he can change the mood of a room by just laughing.

“Mark? Why are you laughing?” I registered the question she asked and realised I got caught. 

“What?” I promptly stopped laughing. She sighed deeply.

“You are so distracted today. Maybe now is not the best time?”

“Yeah, sorry Skye. It’s just that I’m in the middle of rehearsals and –“

“I understand Mark. Just call me once you get a chance okay.”

“Sure. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

The conversation ended. I slipped the phone into my pocket and walked towards Tom and Travis.

“Sorry guys. Are we ready to rock?”

Tom’s smile grew bigger.

✈ ✈ ✈

_I was in an unfamiliar party. People were dancing around the huge bon fire that was on the beach, the dark blue sky was littered with stars. I knew no one around me, none of these faces were familiar._

_I had a can of beer in my hands, and I sipped the cool drink, feeling it slipped down my throat, making my insides warm and fuzzy. I was about to walk to the closest person to ask where I am when a strong arm grabbed me around my waist, pulling me towards the person until our faces nearly touched._

_Dark brown hair, chocolate eyes, a scrap of metal stuck on his lips and a lopsided grin._

_“I have been looking all over for you,” Tom whispered into my ears in a nearly seductive manner, bringing shivers down my spine._

_I have lost my ability to speak, or even move. I was rooted to the sand that surrounded me. I didn’t know why I was acting that way, why I got all nervous out of a sudden. All I know was that he looked beautiful with the moonlight softly illuminating on his skin._

_“Come on Marky,” he intertwined his fingers around mine and started dragging me away from the beach party, towards the ocean. We walked in silence, only the sounds of the waves crashing along the edge filled our ears._

_He suddenly stopped and sat down on the damp sand. I followed him, sitting really close, trying to absorb his body heat. His fingers were still on mine, grasping firmly._

_“Sometimes, I look at the stars above me and feel so insignificant. So useless. Like I don’t mean anything, you know?” he briefly looked up at the night sky before redirecting his attention back to me. I nodded._

_“But when I am with you, I don’t feel that way,” he inhaled deeply before continuing, his eyes stuck on the sand below us. “When I am with you, I don’t feel useless, or like my life has no meaning.”_

_He looked straight into my eyes, sending electric down my body._

_“You give my life meaning Mark. I hope you understand that.”_

_All I was capable of was moving my head up and down._

_His hand left mine, travelling to my face. He placed it on my cheek, softly caressing my skin. The contact caused me to shiver, my stomach tying knots as the anticipation gnawed on me._

_I want this so bad …_

_His hand moved to the back of my neck. He pulled me in closer to him. Our eyes were level with each other, lost in each other’s irises. I could feel his hot breath on my skin, tingling me gently. He closed his eyes and made the final move._

_But it never came._

“Hello? Earth to Mark?” snapping fingers right in front of my face, pulling me away from thinking about that damn dream.

“Wh – what?”

“I just asked you whether you’re excited about tomorrow, but you’re too busy burning holes in your coffee,” he giggled as he drank his ice coffee.

“Oh yeah … sorry, must have spaced out …” I lifted the cup that was filled with hot coffee and slowly sipped on it. 

It was the last day before we fly to Australia. We had been busy at rehearsals the whole week. This meant that me and Tom did not spend much time alone together. We got up every morning and quickly head off to our rehearsal venue. We started practising, had lunch with Travis, more jamming, before having dinner with Travis again then going back home to go to sleep.

It was exasperating, but there’s no way I could tell Travis to fuck off. He’s our good friend too, and I don’t want to exclude him.

That doesn’t mean I am not internally killing him when he decides to tag along with us.

I reminded myself that I am now, currently, spending time with Tom alone. We were having a coffee break in a secluded coffee house and Travis decided to stay behind. I should relish this moment.

“So, are you excited?” he asked the question again.

“Yeah man. Playing in front of our Australian fans again. It’s been too long, you know?” I took another sip of the bitter drink, too fast this time. It burnt my tongue, which Tom, of course, noticed.

"You should really blow on that you know," he started snickering at me.

"Shut up Thomas," I took another sip. As I placed the cup back on the table, Tom gave me a weird look.

"Errr … you got cream on your face," he pointed at my upper lip.

Feeling embarrassed and self-conscious, I tried to rub it off with a napkin.

"Nah, not there. Come here, let me help you," he brought his finger up to my skin, rubbing off the said cream. Everything began to move slower except for my rapid beating heart. He sucked the cream off nonchalantly  while I tried my best to not pass out.

He stared into my eyes a big longer than he usually does, and I could feel a heavy weight on my chest, bringing me down. I felt like I was drowning, and there’s no way to escape.

"Anyway, I want to show you this documentary I watched last week. It’s cool man. It’s about all these – ” and he continued to ramble on as I drank that bitter coffee, taking in his every move. From the facial expressions, to the small gestures that he makes with his hands, to the quiet laughs that brought me so much joy. And in that quaint coffee house that me and Tom accidentally found one day, I found my best friend again.

✈ ✈ ✈

“Good morning Mr Hoppus. What refreshment would you like this afternoon?” a pretty air hostess asked me once I got comfortable in my first class seat.

We were finally flying to Australia for the Soundwave festival. We were going to Sydney first, before flying to Brisbane and then Melbourne, for our sidewaves before starting Soundwave with the other bands in the lineup.

“Can I have a rum and coke please?” my favourite choice of beverage was immediately handed to me and I thanked her.

“Now, how about you Mr DeLonge?”

“A Carlsberg please?” the beer was quickly passed into his hands.

“Is there anything else you need?” her bright smile nearly blinded my eyes. I shook my head at her as Tom started chugging down the beer. “Hope you have a comfortable flight. If there is anything else you need, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

“Thank you.”

She gave us one last look before walking towards Travis.

The first class compartment was nearly empty. Travis was seated at the window seat next to us while Tom and I are sitting together in the aisle seats right at the back of the compartment. There were a few other people in front of us, including Tom’s manager, but they were seated a few seats down from us, giving Tom and I privacy.

“Dude, she was totally flirting with you,” Tom said before bringing the beer to his lips again.

“Forty and still got it,” I joked.

“Hey guys, if you don’t mind, I am just going to sleep now,” Travis told us.

Poor Travis. He really did not want to fly but we had no choice as there were time constraints. He nearly backed out until Tom suggested taking strong sleeping pills so he could sleep throughout the plane ride. Travis’ eyelids were drooping dangerously, so I knew he will pass out at any moment now.

"Goodnight buddy. And don’t you worry about anything. Nothing will happen. I promise," Tom’s soothing words caused Travis to relax slightly, as he wrapped himself in the blanket they provided and shut his eyes.

I gave Tom a smile, noticing his already empty beer bottle.

"Don’t you think you should slow down?" I pointed at the bottle in his hands. "We haven’t even take off yet."

"Make me Hoppus," he wagged his tongue playfully at me while pressing the button that signalled he wanted assistance. The air stewardess came back and Tom grabbed another beer.

"Now, to see what movie they have … " he started browsing through the movie catalogue while I sipped on my rum and coke, thinking about the little things he had done so far in the past ten minutes.

✈ ✈ ✈

I was woken up suddenly, feeling exposed and violated. An unexpected moan escaped my lips.

_What the fuck is going on?_

I blinked my eyes, trying to adjust to the darkness. I looked to the left, and saw Travis still passed out from the drugs. I looked to the right, an empty seat beside me.

_Where is he?_

To answer my question, I felt a wave of euphoria all over my body, reminding me why I woke up in the first place. I felt wetness and warmth all over my crotch region. Licking, sucking, scraping …

“Fuck! What are you doing?” I threw away the blanket that was over my lap, revealing Tom in a very compromising position.

Bloodshot eyes that were screaming with lust, sweaty skin with a pink flush, his hot mouth around my penis, his tongue desperately swirling around.

Tom was giving me a blowjob.

On a plane.

I tried to get him off me but he refused to budge. His legs were firmly planted on the spacious ground in front of me, his hands gripping tightly on my jeans. I wanted to yank his head out but I was afraid he will bite my dick off.

“What are you doing?” I repeated my question, but quieter so as to not attract the people around us.

He did not answer. Instead, he continued bobbing up and down my length. I don’t know whether it was the alcohol I consumed, or whether I was way too tired, but I stopped resisting. I let him go down on me.

I let Tom, my  _very_ male best friend ever since we were teenagers, performed oral sex on me.

His tongue was sloppy and inexperienced, and it wasn’t the best I have ever received. But I was getting really turned on. Maybe because I was slightly drunk. Maybe because it was crazy and dangerous and we could get caught at any moment. Maybe because I always had some feelings for him. Maybe because Tom looked fucking hot with my dick in his mouth.

Because soon, I was begging him to go faster, go deeper.

“Fuck … Tom …” his name sounded foreign coming out in such an erotic manner. Forbidden, in fact.

It wasn’t the first time, though.

I grabbed his hair roughly, pushing him deeper. I bucked my hips and hit the back of his throat, causing him to gag.

“Shit. Are you okay?” he nodded eagerly before enveloping me with his warm lips again, causing a moan to escape.

My hands were still in his hair, playing with the brown locks as I tried to stifle my moans. My body was arched and my eyes rolled back, as he went faster and faster, sending me over the edge. I could feel myself getting closer.

"Tom … fuck, I’m close," I tried to warn him but as soon as I said that, I exploded inside of him. I bit down my lips, containing my scream of excitement. My legs were trembling as the aching pulses through my body. He swallowed everything and continued sucking until everything ceased and my body dropped heavily on my seat.

“What … what was that?” my breathing was hitched as I tried to regain my composure. Tom placed my penis back in my jeans and picked up the blanket that I had threw aside to lay it over my lap again.

“Go to sleep Mark,” he sat on his seat, wrapping himself up with his own blanket.

“What?”

“Go to sleep,” he ended the talk by turning around, no longer facing me.

I wanted to object, to demand an explanation. But the after effects of the orgasm was quick on me and so, I listened to Tom’s breathing which lulled me to a peaceful sleep.

✈ ✈ ✈

Sydney.

Some fucking 5 star hotel opposite the Opera House.

Tom gave me a blowjob on the plane.

_Tom gave me a blowjob on the plane._

We were waiting for our hotel cards in the lobby. I really wanted to ask Tom what the fuck happened last night but Travis was busy talking to him. Tom kept giving me quick glances from time to time, making me nervous.

I don’t get what happened. I know he was drunk. I know he gets horny when he’s drunk. But we used to be drunk all the time. If he gets horny, he will go to a room and jack himself off. Sometimes, he will jack in front of me. But we never did anything further than that.

Why now?

The hotel receptionist finally came back with our hotel cards. Travis began talking to the chick so I decided that now is a good opportunity to ask about last night.

"Tom, we need to talk about what happened on the plane," I whispered hurriedly to him.

"Not now Mark. I explain it to you later," his eyes were urgent, begging me to drop the subject.

Travis stopped talking to the girl and looked at us. He raised his eyebrows at us. 

"What are you guys talking about?"

"Nothing," I quickly responded.

"Okay … Anyway, here is your card Tom. And here’s yours Mark," he passed me the flimsy plastic. "Let’s go."

Travis lead the way and Tom and I followed him. We continued giving each other weird looks, communicating through our eyes. We ended up in a hallway.

"So here’s my room. If you guys don’t mind, I want to relax by myself for a while. See you guys soon," Travis entered his room and left us by ourselves.

"So, your room or mine?" Tom broke the silence.

"Does it matter?"

He sighed as he pushed his card in the reader, going in his room. I followed him in, leaving my suitcase by the door.

"So, are you going to explain to me what is fucking going on or what?" my voice was harsh as he sat down on his huge bed.

"Are you going to sit down?" he patted the bed, inviting me to sit next to him. I grudgingly sat down, nearly ready to explode from all the waiting.

There was a long silence. Tom’s face was in concentration. Thinking of the right things to say, I guess.

"Mark, if I tell you this, please don’t get mad at me. You must promise me that it won’t change anything, that you won’t hate me."

"I can never hate you Tom," I told him truthfully.

"You sure did for four years," he responded. I sighed at his answer. Thinking about the whole ‘hiatus’ bullshit makes my brain ache.

"You see Mark … I just … Fuck, this is hard," he took a huge breath before continuing. "The thing is, I think … I think I have feelings for you."

And at that exact moment, Tom has turned my world upside down.

✈ ✈ ✈

It was time for the first show. I was waiting for my cue to enter the stage, my bass all ready to go. I tried to look across to find Tom, but it was way too dark.

Ever since Tom revealed that he had feelings for me, I had been avoiding him. I told him that nothing will change, but I need some time to think about what he told me. I did not run away, which I supposed was what he expected. It has been three days and I only said like three sentences to him.

I am terrified.

A part of me told me that Tom was just confused with everything. He was horny and he went to the first person he saw and now he think he have feelings just because of a drunken mistake. He have a family, and so do I. He will never do anything to jeopardise his own marriage, or even mine.

Another part of me told me that it felt right. Being close to him feels right. Being touched by him feels right. Being loved by him feels right.

It doesn’t help it when I felt that I did not cheated on Skye, even though technically, I did.

“Mark, you can go now!” someone shouted at me.

I started walking to the mic stand that was prepared for me. I could hear Travis sitting down in front of his drum kit and Tom walking on stage. I could not see anything in the darkness, but I could hear the fans, screaming and shouting our names. I began smiling.

This is my job. This is what I am paid to do.

My life is fucking awesome.

The huge black material in front of me dropped and I was immediately awed by the amount of people who came to see us tonight. We immediately started playing “Feeling This”, the familiar catchy intro filling up the venue. I realised I still haven’t looked at Tom yet so I decided to quickly glance to my left.

I felt my mouth dropping. I nearly forgot to continue playing and I missed a few notes.

Tom was wearing that black polo from that music video we did years ago.

I couldn’t really see that well, But I am sure it is the same shirt, or something similar. He looked really good in it.

Fuck, no. 

He looked fucking amazing in it.

That evil bastard.

✈ ✈ ✈

"That was a good show man! What a start!" Travis shouted at us as we walked to our rooms.

We were all jumping from post show buzz. We did an amazing show, and the fans were fun. But I could’t really concentrate on the fans when my eyes were too busy focusing on Tom and that fucking polo.

"Goodnight guys. I really need some sleep. I am so tired man," Travis waved to us as he disappeared inside him room.

"I guess I should go in now. Goodnight Mark," he was about to shut the door when I stopped him.

"Umm … can I come in?"

"Of course," he gave me a smile.

I entered his room. I started getting nervous and fidgety until my eyes laid on Tom again. The way the black fabric clung to his body is making me crazy.

I want him now.

"So, why are you – ” his words were interrupted by my mouth making contact with his own. He let out a surprised gasp, not kissing me back at first, before moving his lips in time with mine.

Kissing Tom wasn’t weird as I thought it will be. His lips were chapped but tasted sweet. It wasn’t like kissing a girl. It was rough and raw. 

But it felt right.

My hands were cupping his head, as he placed his hands around my waist, bringing me in closer. I felt moisture on my lips and realised it was his tongue, begging for entrance. I allowed him in, relishing the new territory I was allowed to explore. He tasted different, a weird mixture of alcohol and candy that he ate during the show. It was intoxicating.

"Wait Mark," I refused to listen as I kissed him down his jaw, finding a spot on his neck and began sucking on it fervently. "Are you sure you want to do this? It will change everything."

I responded by biting down on his neck, causing him to yelp.

"Fuck yes," I answered, huge smiles playing on both of our faces. I ran my hand under that black polo, over his smooth torso.

"Was it the polo that made your mind?" he asked me playfully before sucking on my jaw, eliciting moans out of my mouth.

"What did you think?" I raised my eyebrows as he held my hand, dragging me towards his bed.

✈ ✈ ✈

We spent that night together for the first time. It was absolutely perfect. Tom was perfect. Everything about him is perfect. When we were both done, Tom laid his head on my chest, and told me how happy he is. My heart exploded as I heard that, glad that I could make him feel the same way as he makes me feel.

I sneaked out off his room in the early morning to avoid suspicions, especially from Travis. He is very attentive, and I am sure he will noticed if I came out of Tom’s room wearing the same clothes.

We flew to Brisbane to do the next show. Tom and I secretly share room now, spending each night together. Learning about each other’s body, each other’s sensitive spots. We were careful to not leave any marks on our necks or arms, for fear of raising an eyebrow from the people around us. But under our shirts, we were riddled with bruises, all telling a secret we both are hiding.

We haven’t had _sex_ sex yet. I don’t know if we should. I am perfectly content with how we made love to each other.

Wow.

I never thought I will say that about my best friend.

But he was never just my best friend. He was always more. And what we are doing, finally felt right. Like it was meant to be. 

We never talked about the real issue in hand, how we are cheating on our wives, deceiving our families. Instead, we talked about each other. Our dreams, our aspirations. Tom is such a passionate man. It is beautiful to listen to him talk, and I spent nights just listening to him, holding him as close as possible.

We need the closeness.

We need the sex.

We need the intimacy.

We need each other.

On our second Melbourne show, Tom told something to the crowd I will never forget. His mic stand broke, so I was improvising, flicking out plectrums to the crowd. I was singing something stupid, when he shoot me a smirk and muttered into the mic.

“For 20 fucking years, you’ve been doing that same creepy face.”

That night, while we were with each other again, I did the same ‘creepy face’ and he threw a pillow at me, before tackling me into the bed, tangled between the sheets.

✈ ✈ ✈

"I think Travis suspects something," I whispered into Tom’s ears as we were getting ready to go on stage for our final show in Perth.

"What do you mean?"

"He’s been giving us weird looks ever since he nearly caught us in that lift in Adelaide."

"Don’t worry about it. It’s nearly over."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" his answer puzzled me, and I couldn’t help but slightly growled at him.

"It means that the tour is almost over. What did you think I meant?" he was getting agitated too.

"Oh, I don’t know. That we are over. That you think this is a one night stand thing. That you can just fuck me and tell me how happy you are when you are with me, then the next day, you go running back to your fucking wife!" my face was getting redder as the issue that we had desperately tried to avoid came crumbling down on us. 

"Mark, you have a wife too! Don’t try to pretend that you will give up your picture perfect family to be with me! Don’t try to pretend you love me like I love you! This whole thing for you has been about the sex, about the lust! If I had never gave you that fucking blowjob, you will never know about my feelings! This has been a fucking experiment for you. Not for me Mark, not for me!"

"Then why did you do it then? If you think this is me ‘experimenting’, why did you do it when you know I might not share the same feelings as you?"

"Because I fucking love you!" his words came out as a shout, shocking the both of us. "Because … because I was willing to risk getting hurt if it means spending time with you."

I was stunned. I did not know how to react, how to respond.

"Hey guys, we gotta go on now," Travis came from behind. The air was still tensed from our argument. "Are you guys okay?"

"We’re fine," Tom spat out as he picked his guitar up, walking away from me.

"What happened?" Travis asked, genuinely confused.

"Do you want to know?" he shook his head.

I sighed deeply as I grabbed my bass. Everything has feel apart in a matter of minutes.

✈ ✈ ✈

I knocked on his door, hoping he let me in. It swung open, revealing a very tired looking Tom. He looked absolutely drained, like all his energy was sucked out of him.

He nodded at me, signalling me to enter. I sat on a chair, preparing myself for this conversation.

"Tom, we need to sort this out now."

"I thought it was already sorted," he sat on the chair opposite me, avoiding my looks. "We will go back to our families and pretend this whole thing never happened."

"What the fuck? We can’t do that!"

"Why not? It’s simple Mark. Both of us cheated on our wives. Both of us have families. We still love them. We can’t be together. So we pretend nothing happened and go back to how things used to be."

"How things used to be? How can I do that after what happened these past two weeks?"

"You managed to live without seeing me for four years. You managed to move across the fucking world so as to not see my face. Don’t try to lie to me Mark, I know that was the reason you moved. Now tell me how hard it is to forget something that does not even mean so much to you in the first place?"

"You think this doesn’t mean anything to me? These past two weeks had been the greatest time of my life! And you are telling me to move on?"

"You already did."

Silence as I tried to understand what he is telling me.

“Fuck! I am sick of this Tom! I am so fucking sick of this!”

“Do you think I don’t hate this too Mark? Do you think this is easy for me? Do you think I don’t hate myself for letting it come to this?”

"Then why did you?"

"Fuck, I screwed up okay! I should have never told you! I have been hiding that secret for so long and now everything is out in the open. Both of us are in this shit together and the only way we can fix it is to forget about it."

"But … Tom, I don’t think I can."

"You will," he stood up and opened his door. I realised that the conversation is over and that it is time for me to leave.

Tom won.

As I stood outside his room, my eyes begged him to change his mind. We could work something out. But he shook his head at me, his face full of regret.

"I love you," he whispered throatily as he shut the door, leaving me alone.

"But … I love you too."

Nobody was there to listen to me confess my love for the one person who I truly cared about.

Nobody was there to witness a grown man cry,

✈ ✈ ✈

Transit.

This is it.

This is the end.

Where we say our goodbyes and pretend nothing happened for the past three weeks.

_Great._

We were waiting for our flights in the Singapore airport. Travis and Tom will be flying back to LA and I will be flying back to London, to my family. Over the past two weeks, I had only called them once.

I am a shitty person.

I was looking through my twitter on my phone, pretending everything is fine. Pretending everything is normal, that I don’t feel like shit. I looked up at the flap board, wishing my flight is ready so I could leave.

I quickly glanced at Tom, who was sitting opposite me. He was wearing that stupid hat that makes his face look fat. I managed to convinced him to not wear it for the tour and he agreed. But now, it is gracing his head, taunting me.

I cursed under my breath as I fumbled through my phone.

Travis walked towards me and sat down beside me.

"Hey man. How you doing?"

"Like shit," I answered honestly. 

"Mark, whatever is going on between you and Tom, I hope it works out. You guys have been through so much shit together, and I don’t really want another hiatus."

"Me too … Travis, I don’t know how to make things right."

"Do you want to tell me what happened?"

I shook my head. He sighed at me.

"I understand. You will figure something out. Hey, isn’t that your flight?" he pointed at the flap board. The status of my flight is now changed to "now boarding".

Time to go.

I stood up and gave Travis a hug.

"See you soon man. Take care," he told me.

"You will be alright in the plane?"

"I got Tom, he will take care of me. Do you want to say goodbye to him?" he pointed at Tom, who was busy engrossed in the magazine he bought.

"I guess … " I dragged my suitcase across. He looked up from his magazine, his face free of emotions. 

"I need to board my flight now. I guess this is goodbye."

"I guess this is you can’t stand me," he mocked my song, causing a piercing pain in my chest.

"Look Tom, I always had feelings for you," I dropped my voice, making sure no one heard me except for him.

"It’s too late to change that, isn’t it," he looked back at his stupid magazine.

There was no choice left for me but to walk away. Walk away from the man I knew for half of my life. Walk away from the person I shared everything with. Walk away from my best friend, my soulmate, Walk away from my short term lover.

I never once looked back.

✈ ✈ ✈

It’s been a fucking week.

No calls, no emails, no nothing.

Tom has completely shut me out again.

I was beyond frustrated. I called him numerous times but it always went straight to voice mail. After one or two days, I gave up. I spend the rest of the week mopping about everything. I shut out my family. Skye kept asking me what’s wrong. She know something happened during the tour, but I refused to talk about it.

This was even worse when Tom left the band.

I had been spending my mornings taking aimless walks. I was going back home now in the tube, glad no one had recognised me yet. I needed some time alone, to think about the past three weeks.

Was it my fault? I was the one who went in his room that night. I could have told him that I don’t feel the same way and everything will go back to normal.

But now, it is too late for that. I have feelings for him.

I love him.

I need him with me.

I realised it was my stop so I shuffled out of the train. I started walking when my phone began ringing. I thought it was Skye until I noticed the caller id.

I picked it up immediately.

"Tom?"

"Hello Mark," his voice brought goosebumps all over my body. "How are you?"

"Cold," it was the first thing that popped out of my head, and it brought a laugh from him. I smiled like an idiot, glad to hear his beautiful laugh, glad to be the cause of it.

There was a pause before I told him what I had been dying to say ever since I left him at the airport.

"I miss you."

"What? Mark, I can’t hear you. You’re breaking up. Where are you?" his voice came out static, and I remembered I was still underground.

"In the train. Hold on," I ran past the unsuspecting people, tapped my Oyster card, and sprinted outside. I nearly laughed at the irony of it all. It had started raining but I didn’t care. I need to talk to him.

"Can you hear me now?"

"Yeah, much better. What did you say just now?"

"I said I miss you."

Another pause.

"I miss you too Mark." 

My heart was about to burst from joy.

"So, I have been thinking this past week about what happened," my stomach muscles clenched, my whole body tensed as I waited. "And Mark, I can’t do this. I cannot be away from you. Not after what happened."

I started smiling, tears in my eyes. 

"I can’t do this too Tom," I chocked it out. "I need you."

"Fuck, I wish things are easier, but we can make this happen, can we Mark?"

"Of course. Nothing has stopped us before, nothing will stop us now."

"I was thinking, maybe you want to fly to LA next week. We can stay at your old house, figure shit out."

"That sounds great."

"Awesome … I see you soon Marky," my heart swelled up. "Maybe … maybe change is good."

"Maybe …" I could tell he was about to hang up and I needed to tell him this. I must.

"Tom, I love you."

Another pause.

"I love you too Marky."

Silence.

The call has ended.

The rain was getting heavier and I was getting drenched. But I didn’t mind. It was covering the fact that a grown man was crying, not because he was sad, but because he had never felt this happy in his entire damn life.

Everything began to fall to place in that cold, London morning.

✈ ✈ ✈

The meaning of the term “change” can be defined as the following three:

  1. to transform or convert
  2. to substitute another or others for
  3. _to give and take reciprocally_




End file.
